My Life Story

Me Like

It kind of speaks for itself, dontchya think? :D

Whazzup, Buttercup?

Hey there all you hale and hearty fans of Free Falling. How goes it?

Whoa, settle down, settle down, all questions will be answered in due course.

1.  Yes, yes, I am still alive - thanks for asking!

2.  And yes, I have been busy. Very busy, in fact. My, aren't you all a discerning lot.

3.  Well, if you really want to know, I mean if you insist.

Sorry, I can't seem to hear you.

. . .

 . . .

Ah, there you are. Very well - I have been (amongst many other things) preparing for my return to the (part-time) practice of law.

4.  Preparing what? Seriously?? 

5. How's about my office space? My brain? My accounting system? My life? And that's just for starters.

6.  Oh, really, you want to know when?

Very well, that would be ... drum roll please ... wait for it ... July 1st.

7.  Why, yes, that is Canada Day (quite an impressive lot you are, I must say).

8.  No, no, that is only a coincidence. Trust me. But never fear, we shall celebrate both Canada Day and my official return to the practice of law in fine style. That, my good friends, is a promise.

9.  Seriously? You want to know what *other things* I have been up to? You mean this is not enough? What is wrong with you people? What more do you want from me? Blood??

10.  There you go, getting all upset again ... now everyone back in your seats or I won't be saying another word.

. . .

That's better. Now where were we? Crowd control can be sooo taxing at times ....

11.  Sheesh, no sense of humour, this crew. And, just for future reference,
No. 
Further. 
Booing. 
Will. 
Be. 
Allowed.

12. Are? We? Clear?

13.  Very well, I will give you one little example of some of those *other things* I have been up to.

14. How about preparing for the high school graduation of BOTH my daughters? Is that good enough for you?

15.  That's right, I said BOTH my daughters.

16. Right, again. Both those graduations will be held this very month.

17.         ...

Sorry, I've just been advised that we're out of time for today. I regret to inform you that no further questions will be taken at this time.

Thank you very much for attending and please feel free to drop donations of any denomination (the bigger the better) in the tip jar on your way out.

What's that? There is no tip jar?

Damm ... I knew I forgot something!

. . .

Buttercup has now left the building.

The Great White UP

I heard this on the radio this morning. And I haven't stopped chuckling since.

"Americans like to name their storms.
This last snow storm we had they called Hercules.
But as a Canadian, I prefer to call it winter."

A Slice of Americana Canadiana

An actual conversation between myself and HWWNBN late last night:

HWWNBN: Why are my papers (various quotes for building material that he left on a coffee table) all messed up? 

MMC: Because they were on top of the coaster I needed. 

MMC: But why are the papers on the table, anyway? 

HWWNBN: They're quotes ... (indignantly) 

MMC: Yeah, but you've already bought the stuff! 

HWWNBN: Yeah ....   

MMC:

HWWNBN:  They're garbage. 

MMC: So let me get this straight - you left your garbage on the table instead of throwing it out? And now you're complaining because somebody messed up your garbage? 

HWWNBN:  

MMC: Seriously?? 

HWWNBN: 

At any rate, I am pleased to report that when I got up this morning the garbage, excuse me, his papers were gone from the table.

Best. April. Fools. Evah.

Reposted from Lex's in honour of April Fools - in my mind, this is one of (if not) the best April Fools jokes I have seen (let alone been subjected to).

But in many ways, the best part is found in the comments - just how long can it take some people to figure this out?

It's. A. Joke. Folks.  :D

Bad news
By lex, on April 1st, 2007 

I’m sorry to have to share this with you, but it looks like we may have to amend the terms of our relationship: I guess I finally crossed the line. Something I wrote earlier in the week offended some Very Important People who made official representation of their objections through political channels and finally down through my chain of command. I got the call yesterday – it’s never good news to get called by your boss on a Saturday. Had to happen eventually I suppose, but I kind of hoped my tattered veil of anonymity could outlast my active service. 

Now, many of you know that I have been blogging under a pseudonym in order to protect those I work for from having to officially recognize the source of these my musings, thereby lending them even the patina of official endorsement from the USG, DoD or DoN. The problem – as I very well knew from the beginning – is that there really isn’t any such thing as anonymity on the net. The world is full of people looking for a reason to take offense, and if you hang out on the web long enough, eventually you’ll make somebody angry, a complaint will get lodged and, well: Here we are. 

READ MORE

'To Swerve and Protect'

Heh.



H/T to Kris from Noodling On It

Belated Canada Day Tribute

What is this world coming to?

To think that I let Canada Day pass without nary a mention on the blog. Shameful...

But never fear, I shall make up for it in grand style today.  With two videos for our viewing pleasure.The first an oldie (had posted it to the blog a few years ago) but still a goodie.




I do realize that technically this next video is more or less ... shall we say ... insulting ... to Canada. But it's pretty funny.





And believe it or not, us Canucks have a great sense of humour, eh!

"Rules of Combat"

Making my way through my news feed on FaceBook (trying to put off at least half of what I should be doing), I came across a blog post by xbradtc concerning the second fatal accident at ATAC in the past few months (the first, of course, being Lex).

It was an interesting overview of just what that company does and why it's work is so  important. And a reminder that bad things sometimes do happen to good people. And good companies. Just because.

Having read that, I hopped around the blog a bit and landed on "Rules of Combat". Too numerous to count (okay, there's actually 126 - with many more in the Comments), they're also too good and too funny not to share.

Here are a few of my personal favourites:

1. Friendly fire – isn’t.

2. Recoilless rifles – aren’t.

3. Suppressive fires – won’t.

21. The important things are always simple.

22. The simple are always hard.

23. The easy way is always mined.

24. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

28. Incoming fire has the right of way.

31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.

32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

41. When both sides are convinced they’re about to lose, they’re both right.

44. Fortify your front; you’ll get your rear shot up.

52. Sniper’s motto: reach out and touch someone.

53. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.

56. It’s not the one with your name on it; it’s the one addressed “to whom it may concern”     you’ve got to think about.

67. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.

71. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.

72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon’s operator.

76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

89. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.

96. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.

97. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.

98. Odd objects attract fire – never lurk behind one.

99. Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.

105. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.

112. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.

116. If you need an officer in a hurry take a nap.

119. If at first you don’t succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn’t for you.

120. Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . once.

121. Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.

122. If you find yourself in front of your platoon they know something you don’t.

125. When accused, admit nothing, deny everything, and file counter-accusations

Now go read the rest.

Beer and Skittles, Anyone?

Something to brighten up your day.

Courtesy of Hogday over at The Lexicans.





Apparently, they have good beer over there too. Not that I would know, of course ...

UPDATE: Actually this strikes me as strangely apropos my comment of the other day ... "Be careful what you ask for. You just might get it".

What`s That You Say

Come on. I double dog dare you.
Try it. Forget twenty times.
Just once. As fast as you can.

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.

I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)

Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.

But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.

Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.

Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.

And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

GO AHEAD. FINISH IT. IF YOU DARE

Alerts to Threats in 2011 Europe

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing.." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

Speaka de English, Please

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.

Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place....

Happy Easter Everyone

All right.  I've been giving this a lot of thought.  

You know how some people appear to be offended by Christmas meaning we're not allowed to celebrate or wish others a Merry Christmas anymore?  How we had to start calling it something else?

So I was thinking, what if some people are offended by Easter too?

I mean, really.  Think about it. I don't know about you but I really don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. Because that just wouldn't be right.

So here's the plan.

We will no longer call the Easter Bunny the Easter Bunny. 

That might just be offensive to some.  Nope, from hereinafter he shall be known as the Furry Long Floppy-Eeared Burrowing Rodent Who Appears Once a Year Bearing Chocolate Treats.

And whatever you do, please don't with anyone Happy Easter!

It's Happy Totally Non-Religious Colourful Candy  Festival Holiday.

To you and yours.

*  Borrowed (and shamelessly mutilated) from the Magic 94.9 Morning Show.

Ain't It The Truth ...

Found this at the bottom of today's page, courtesy of Marshall McLuhan, via Quote of the Day:

I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.

I'm thinking he wrote said that with me in mind. 

Must have.

Did You Have Something To Say?

No? I didn't, like, think so.

Me, neither, ya know?

Animal Quackers

Stolen Borrowed from Kris.



You might as well laugh ...

An Oldie But A Goodie ...

What can I say? I always have enjoyed that one...

Breaking News - New Federal Gov't Program Now Available

Here at Free Falling, we pride ourselves on bringing our readers the latest breaking news and information on issues which may be of interest to them.  In that spirit, enjoy.

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, The Govt. of Canada has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Govt. to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Govt. deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Govt.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Govt. has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

H/T to Tera

My Current Serenity Prayer