Lawyer Jokes

Update: Sorry, didn't publish properly. Now there's 18.

Eighteen lawyer jokes. Just for you.
Because I'm feeling generous today.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: Lawyer's creed:
A: A man is innocent until proven broke.

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers in it?
A: With the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

Q: It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
A: I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Q: A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
A: "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: You shoot the lawyer... Twice.