Monday, April 9, 2012

Still Missing

Time goes on. As does life, doesn't it?

And although time doesn't really heal all wounds, it does tend to provide a protective coating, a scab, if you will. Which, I suppose, is why it hurts so bad if and when that scab, for whatever reason, gets ripped off.

And, along the same vein, Facebook is, of course, Facebook.

And so it is that I receive a notification every time a friend posts on the Neptunus Lex Super Secret FB Page (first rule of the Neptunus Lex Super Secret FB Page - don't talk about the Neptunus Lex Super Secret FB page). Meaning I spend a fair bit of time on Lex's page, keeping up with what's going on.

But as the talk, in general, moves to being less and less about Lex and more and more about other items of "general interest" (defining the term "general interest" to mean of interest to those with a military and/or aviation backgrounds/fixations), it becames less and less satisfying.

It didn't happen immediately, of course. I followed what was being posted and found find a lot of it interesting. But after a while (defined as last Wednesday, I believe), I came to realize that the Neptunus Lex Super Secret FB page was no longer really doing it for me.  I was starting to miss Lex. Again.

I say "again" because, as I noted earlier, time does tend to dull wounds, eventually, in its own way. And life goes on. But this past Wednesday, I found myself "needing" more Lex. And so it was that I headed over The Lexicans blog.

I haven't involved myself a whole lot with that blog. Sure, I read there. Occasionally. But I haven't posted and really (at least for now) feel no need to. I guess what I am trying to say is that although I know it's there, although I "know" most (if not all) the bloggers and I visit occasionally, I don't feel any real connection with the blog. To which one might reply that we all grieve in our own ways. And, for whatever reason, the Neptunus Lex Super Secret FB page had been enough for me. Up until this past Wednesday.

So. Finding myself at the blog, I could have started reading backwards from the most current post, in what would be my usual manner. But I wasn't looking for that. I was looking for Lex. So, instead I only followed the links for "The Daily Lex" posts, moving backwards with the intent of finding my way back to the last one I had read on one of my previous visits.

"The Daily Lex" - some good soul (Todd) has taken it upon himself to find a post Lex has written for every date and post a link to it. With close to 10 years of writing (usually multiple posts on any given day), there are lots of choose from, of course. But that's the job role Todd has taken on for himself. Good man.

Back to Wednesday. I found myself reading these randomly chosen posts of Lex's. And while initially (momentarily) it quieted that need, that craving to hear Lex's voice again, it wasn't long before what looked like a hit on the good idea meter landed solidly on the bad idea meter. Because after that initial "Lex fix", it didn't take too long for the morose to return.

I went to the blog because something was missing but not long after finding what I sought, it started to hurt again. Strange, I wasn't hurting when I went to the blog. I was just searching for something ... missing ...even though I wasn't sure exactly what "it" was. But it wasn't long after finding what I was after that something changed. A dark cloud fell across the sun.

But sucker for punishment brave soul that I am, I kept on reading The Daily Lex. Going back pages and pages. Surprised at how long it had been since I had visited The Lexicans. I never did find my way back to where I had left off, not before life called me back to the present. Things to do, donchya know.

Like a good soldier, I returned to my life although I couldn't tell you for the life of me tell you now what it was that called me back to reality that day. Perhaps just the knowledge that I had been hiding out (and away from what was in front of me) for too long.

But when I returned to the daily grind it was with a definite sense ... the awareness at a very deep level that Lex is still missing. And that I continue to miss him, even when I'm not consciously aware of it.

Also came the realization that sometimes when we find what we're looking for, it hurts. That that old joke, "Be careful what you ask for. You might just get it." is often true. In other words, if I want to hear Lex's voice again, I must be prepared for that sadness to return. The ying and the yang. The give and the take. The good with the bad.

Something else that I realized the other day - I admire greatly those bloggers who, having allowed their blogs to go silent and dark in the days when Lex's voice was with us, have become reinvigorated and taken on the challenge to pick up where Lex left off and put their voices out there once again.

But, for whatever reason, that just doesn't seem to be me at the moment. I almost wish I could say that it's like this, that I can't bring myself to write of other things yet because I still miss Lex too much. But that wouldn't be true.

It's not that I don't still miss him (I just admitted how much I do) but I'm sad to say that whatever it is that had kept me from blogging the way I once did (for the past year or more) is still the culprit. And although my thoughts are developing on that subject (initially - and for quite a while now - I blamed it one thing but now I'm starting to think it's more a combination of things), I haven't yet made it to a place where I know exactly what I will or won't (or can or can't) do about it.

I guess in the meantime I will just have to sit with that. Be okay with it. Let it develop as it will. After all, it's not like I have much choice now, is it?


Kerry McCauley said...

So there I was taking a break from writing an old Army story for my new blog when I decided to take a break and found your site via Chant du Depart. I thought I was getting over losing Lex but reading your post started it all over again. I put a weekly Lex on my site and find myself wondering what he would say if I could go back in time and tell him what was going to happen. It's hard to solider on but like you said, it's not like we have any choice.

Kris, in New England said...

It is a mark of the man that we are all still trying to navigate our way thru a life without Lex.

Someone asked me earlier today if I had emerged from the dark tunnel. I tried to be positive and say "sure, of course" and ... I couldn't.

I miss Lex. Period. Life goes on and yes there have been days here and there where I don't think of him and then - I do think of him and I miss him again.

This Saturday I will gather with other New England Lexicans to celebrate his life, share our memories and perhaps find some comfort with each other.

It is hard to soldier on yet - we know that Lex would want us to do just that.

He was brave for all of us; it's important for us to be brave for him.

MMC said...

I wish I could be at your New England gathering, Kris. Remember when we use to joke on TFD about all of us heading down to your bunker and then moved on to talking about a gathering down your way where we would eat ... was is lobster and steamers? But that this wasn't how so many of the Lexicans are getting to meet/know each other better.

Ah well, I will be there in spirit anyway. And raise another glass to the good Captain.

Kris, in New England said...

Lobster and steamers - yes. And someday we will do that. Most of the folks gathering tomorrow all live within 1-2 hours of where we are meeting; no distance at all.

You make another Boston trip and we'll get the group together there. In the meantime, you WIll be with us in spirit.

I will be taking tons of pictures, of course. So please be skulking around the Memorial Page over the weekend - I'm sure I'll have plenty to share with everyone.

Hogdayafternoon said...

Michelle, you said pretty much what I could have said. I'm still working this one through. I feel a bit like the characters in `Close Encounters of the Third Kind` ie I've had a subliminal message, I need to be somewhere, but I can't get there, but I'll keep trying. There were lots of folks in that position, touched by the same force. T'is a wonderous, mysterious thing, so it is.

doorkeeper said...

For everything there is a season, M. And for everyone, it's different. For me, it's avoiding it all. Sorry. And planning on blogging myself--and enjoying what I can of life.
Don't ever apologize for 'how' you do it--just do what you need to do. The man would certainly understand.