Still Missing

Time goes on. As does life, doesn't it?

And although time doesn't really heal all wounds, it does tend to provide a protective coating, a scab, if you will. Which, I suppose, is why it hurts so bad if and when that scab, for whatever reason, gets ripped off.

And, along the same vein, Facebook is, of course, Facebook.

And so it is that I receive a notification every time a friend posts on the Neptunus Lex Super Secret FB Page (first rule of the Neptunus Lex Super Secret FB Page - don't talk about the Neptunus Lex Super Secret FB page). Meaning I spend a fair bit of time on Lex's page, keeping up with what's going on.

But as the talk, in general, moves to being less and less about Lex and more and more about other items of "general interest" (defining the term "general interest" to mean of interest to those with a military and/or aviation backgrounds/fixations), it becames less and less satisfying.

It didn't happen immediately, of course. I followed what was being posted and found find a lot of it interesting. But after a while (defined as last Wednesday, I believe), I came to realize that the Neptunus Lex Super Secret FB page was no longer really doing it for me.  I was starting to miss Lex. Again.

I say "again" because, as I noted earlier, time does tend to dull wounds, eventually, in its own way. And life goes on. But this past Wednesday, I found myself "needing" more Lex. And so it was that I headed over The Lexicans blog.

I haven't involved myself a whole lot with that blog. Sure, I read there. Occasionally. But I haven't posted and really (at least for now) feel no need to. I guess what I am trying to say is that although I know it's there, although I "know" most (if not all) the bloggers and I visit occasionally, I don't feel any real connection with the blog. To which one might reply that we all grieve in our own ways. And, for whatever reason, the Neptunus Lex Super Secret FB page had been enough for me. Up until this past Wednesday.

So. Finding myself at the blog, I could have started reading backwards from the most current post, in what would be my usual manner. But I wasn't looking for that. I was looking for Lex. So, instead I only followed the links for "The Daily Lex" posts, moving backwards with the intent of finding my way back to the last one I had read on one of my previous visits.

"The Daily Lex" - some good soul (Todd) has taken it upon himself to find a post Lex has written for every date and post a link to it. With close to 10 years of writing (usually multiple posts on any given day), there are lots of choose from, of course. But that's the job role Todd has taken on for himself. Good man.

Back to Wednesday. I found myself reading these randomly chosen posts of Lex's. And while initially (momentarily) it quieted that need, that craving to hear Lex's voice again, it wasn't long before what looked like a hit on the good idea meter landed solidly on the bad idea meter. Because after that initial "Lex fix", it didn't take too long for the morose to return.

I went to the blog because something was missing but not long after finding what I sought, it started to hurt again. Strange, I wasn't hurting when I went to the blog. I was just searching for something ... missing ...even though I wasn't sure exactly what "it" was. But it wasn't long after finding what I was after that something changed. A dark cloud fell across the sun.

But sucker for punishment brave soul that I am, I kept on reading The Daily Lex. Going back pages and pages. Surprised at how long it had been since I had visited The Lexicans. I never did find my way back to where I had left off, not before life called me back to the present. Things to do, donchya know.

Like a good soldier, I returned to my life although I couldn't tell you for the life of me tell you now what it was that called me back to reality that day. Perhaps just the knowledge that I had been hiding out (and away from what was in front of me) for too long.

But when I returned to the daily grind it was with a definite sense ... the awareness at a very deep level that Lex is still missing. And that I continue to miss him, even when I'm not consciously aware of it.

Also came the realization that sometimes when we find what we're looking for, it hurts. That that old joke, "Be careful what you ask for. You might just get it." is often true. In other words, if I want to hear Lex's voice again, I must be prepared for that sadness to return. The ying and the yang. The give and the take. The good with the bad.

Something else that I realized the other day - I admire greatly those bloggers who, having allowed their blogs to go silent and dark in the days when Lex's voice was with us, have become reinvigorated and taken on the challenge to pick up where Lex left off and put their voices out there once again.

But, for whatever reason, that just doesn't seem to be me at the moment. I almost wish I could say that it's like this, that I can't bring myself to write of other things yet because I still miss Lex too much. But that wouldn't be true.

It's not that I don't still miss him (I just admitted how much I do) but I'm sad to say that whatever it is that had kept me from blogging the way I once did (for the past year or more) is still the culprit. And although my thoughts are developing on that subject (initially - and for quite a while now - I blamed it one thing but now I'm starting to think it's more a combination of things), I haven't yet made it to a place where I know exactly what I will or won't (or can or can't) do about it.

I guess in the meantime I will just have to sit with that. Be okay with it. Let it develop as it will. After all, it's not like I have much choice now, is it?