Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Torn

Mom is in the hospital. Has been for two weeks actually. They can't figure out what the problem is. So they test and test. And wait and wait.

Sure, it was starting to get to her. She was starting to feel really down about being there and not knowing what was wrong. But then this past Friday things took a turn for the worse. Mom started getting very confused again, something that had been so much better since my brother's visit. We were away for the weekend (Kit Kat had a basketball tournament) and when I went up to see Mom on Monday, it was unreal. I have never ever seen her like this. It was way more than confused. It was paranoia. And she was afraid 'they' would get to me too.

The doctor called me this morning. Mom has been refusing to eat, drink or take any medication since yesterday. She was talking about putting in an IV if Mom didn't snap out of it. I had some success when I went up this afternoon. Got her to drink some tea and some Ensure and eat some pudding. And convinced her to take a nap. It seems that she had been fighting to stay awake for the past few days, certain that if she slept something bad would happen to someone. Maybe us. Maybe someone she didn't know. Just someone.

Thankfully I seemed to have a bit of success getting her to snap out of it. To let go of it. More success than I had yesterday at any rate. And then she told me that she was able to eat because I was there. 'But I can't be here all the time, Mom. You have to eat.' "I know, but sometimes it's hard to do what you know you're suppose to do.

I never realized until that moment how badly she needed me there.

Torn. Between Mom. And the kids. My husband. My work.

Just torn.

4 comments:

Kris, in New England said...

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Punkys Dilemma said...

{{{{{{{Michelle}}}}}}}}
I'm so sorry for your mom. And for you for being so torn in so many directions. Its especially so hard when there isn't an answer. I'm so sorry.

Maybe taking an anti-depressant for her confusion and lack of appetite might help her gain some mental and physical strength.

Take care. I have you in my thoughts.

Casdok said...

Very sorry to hear this, i can understand that it must be very difficult for you.
Would your mother eat whilst listening to you on the end of a phone? Just a thought?

doorkeeper said...

I understand--how I understand. And I will never regret those two weeks I spent with Grandma in the nursing home.
But your mother isn't in the same situation, of course. This has no sudden end. You are doing the right thing, you are encouraging her, guiding her, and you will find ways to help her do as much as she can.
I worry most about you. It's nearly impossible to sit down with all those in our lives and explain to them that we must have "recharge" time for ourselves, or eventually, we find ourselves old, sick, drained and suddenly, not only unable to do what we had been, but needing someone to care for us.
Been getting close to that, myself.
But somehow, we must convince them all that some little time for US is inviolate...every day. And the hardest person to convince, is of course, oneself.
Take some time to think about what would happen, were you hit by a bus and gone, today. What would they do tomorrow?
That will reveal to you, what is an absolute must, and what can wait. Then decide (and each day you'll have to decide it!) to take a small portion just for you. 20 minutes. Not doing anything at all. No book, no puter, no.....
anything.
(I've been meaning to ask my counselor, did he really think that 20 minutes walking, thinking about my life, would RELIEVE any stress?? What was he thinking???? But he's right...it works.)
There will be a few things that will be more important than those 20 minutes. But be sure that they're really emergencies, and not just--we don't have any clean dishes.

I know--it's far easier said, than done. But still....

And dream of summer, and my visit.
d