Thursday, January 31, 2008

Patience is a Virtue

Or so they say.

At any rate, it seems to be one that I never seem to have quite mastered. The funny thing is that I would have thought I would have by now. We went through so much with the Blue Jay when she was litttle. Uncontrolled seizures. Regression. Early intervention. Speech therapy. Neurologists. Numerous hospital stays. Respite workers. The ketogenic diet. And then one of the funnest of them all, school. Sheesh, I get tired just typing about it now.

But I would have thought, through all that, all that teaching and therapy and what-not, that somewhere in there, I would have been forced to learn to be patient. Nah, not so much.

And now I find, I think I am finally learning it. Or perhaps more aptly, I'm being forced into learning it, kicking and screaming like a spoiled child as I go. Fortunately (for the rest of the world), the majority of the kicking and screaming is going on inside my head. But I am being forced to learn to be more patient now, as I deal with mom's problems, then I ever was before.

Yes, I know how to advocate. Yes, I know how to fight the system to get what I believe somebody deserves. But somehow, somewhere, I seem to have lost my energy to do it. I think I am just burnt out. Well, they always told me it would happen.

But more than being forced to learn to be patient with the system (nah, I'm still not doing so well with that), I am learning how to be more patient with mom. To wait. And wait. And bite my tongue to stop the smart remark that is right there. Not because I'm trying to or want to be mean. But it seems to be the way I've been for a long time. Now, it's learning to take yet another deep breath. And try again.

Frankly, it kind of sucks.

But. Maybe it's just another one of those life experiences you (have to) go through to get wherever it is you are going. Or at least that's what I try to tell myself. When all else fails ... Rationalize. That's my motto. That and God never closes a door without opening a window.

Gee, it's getting a little stuffy in here. I wonder where that window is.

4 comments:

Casdok said...

I have the patience of a saint with my son, but when it comes to the system, well thats another thing all together!

Punkys Dilemma said...

I have the patience of a saint with my daughter too! She can do "no wrong" as far as I'm concerned. :) But the system. Well....what can I say....its just plain stooopid.

I'm so sorry about your mom. Thats another trial in itself, isn't it. Its so difficult having to become the parent.

Hang in there and be strong. Your patience will pay off and will surely shine through that dark window..one day.

neardem said...

Th difficult part of being patient with a mother is precisely that, SHE IS YOUR MOTHER and you cannot believe that things have changed so much. Your mother now needs you instead of the other way round, she doesn't remember things?, doesn't understand simple explanations? Lack of patience here is really a case of frustration and pain and needing to treat her as you always have.
At least this would be a good description of my situation - it's so much easier to give advice to others or to 'inderstand' and need to explain that they must remember that the situation cannot be changed. I'm still battling Sigh ... but you do get used to it and patience returns, albeit slowly, because you begin to understand that love is enough.
Long winded, I know ...

MMC said...

I do believe you speak words of wisdom, neardem. I hadn't thought of it that way at all but it sure strikes a chord. Thank you.